NO MORE STRESS !!!

I started my trip to freedom about the time the docs thought I had escemia. R had heard me complain for years about mama, so I vented to him. By the way, it does help to be able to unload to someone who won't think you are a terrible person for hating your mom)
So...unload away to me whenever you feel like it.
Basically I started saying outloud or to my self, things like
I DON'T CARE
SHE DOESN'T MATTER, I MATTER
WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY (and then list things)
MY HAPPINESS MATTERS
SHE NO LONGER HAS THE ABILITY TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY
I WILL NEVER PLEASE HER ANYWAY
LET HER PICK K OVER B & I, SHE WAS RAISED THAT WAY
DOES GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS MAKE ME HAPPY
WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY
SHE HAS NO CLUE WHO I AM
SHE USED TO RULE BY GUILT TRIPS...NEVER AGAIN!!!!!
SHE HAS NO CONTROL OF ME OR MY ACTIONS AND NEVER WILL AGAIN
I DON'T FEEL GUILTY OR PITY FOR HER AND NEVER WILL AGAIN
NO MORE GUILT TRIPS
I AM THE GUILT FREE GOURMET

I even had a little dittie I used to sing to the tune of Everything's Coming Up Roses by that really loud obnoxious blond female singer that also sang See the USA, In a Cheverlot (I think it was Dick Van Dike's mother)I haven't had to sing it for a long while, but I think it went something like....

I don't care, I don't care da da da dat te da da da da
I am here, and it's clear, that I don't have to prove anything to you now
I don't care, I don't care da da da dat te da da da da
I am me, you are you and never again will I care what you think.....cause.....
I don't care, I don't care, I am happy to say I don't care
Cause I don't, never will, I am out of control at least your's any way
I DON"T CARE!!!!!

I'll call you after I email you so I can sing it to you
It's odd but that one little song would just lift my spirits SOOOO HIGH !!!!
You can even hum it to yourself and she'll just think your happy :~)
Anyway, that was the start.
I told mom that the phone worked both ways and stopped calling. Out of sight (sound) out of mind. It helped, but only after I stopped feeling guilty for not calling.
After that, I made consious decisions to remove all stress from my life.
I vented more to R about things that bothered me...not just mom stuff.
Of course I told him first what I was going to do and that I just needed to vent.

(ByTheWay...don't even think of venting to a normal friend about mom...you will compound your stress by feeling guilty about how you feel and what she thinks of you because of how you feel about mom)

If I didn't want to do something someone else wanted me to do I made a consious choice to try not to do it (this was hard, cause I used to be a push over.) But at least I'm better now and only do the things that would actually make a big diff to the person who asks.

I kept a list of things I enjoyed doing and did them.
I go to New York once a year to enjoy the plays and restaurants. For some reason, New York and Palma Majorca are 2 cities that I feel at home in. I must have lived there in a past life.

R & I would play a mind game. The basis was that one of us was all powerful and could make absolutely ANY wish come true and then give reasons why a wish would be good to grant and why a wish might cause more problems than it's worth...world peace, no more rape, muder, children born with horrible defects were obvious good choices. But no more disease would really cause problems down the line with people living too long. We would go on for a least an hour and even though we really hadn't accomplished anything, it somehow made us feel good, don't ask me why.

I stopped arguing with ANYONE!!! If I had an opinion, I would state it up to 3 times in different ways. Then it was up to the other person to take my advice or leave it...tough shit? (You're lucky I didn't do that with you and your weight loss, huh?)

I started donating to charities...$ mostly, but time and knowledge when I could. That reallllllllly made me feel good.

And I've given almost everything in my house away that I haven't used or worn in a year, including knick-nacs. I've come to dislike having things around me that aren't useful or beautiful to look at. (My cat is both :~)

I took the time to read more and look up things on the internet...the knowledge there is amazing.

Then I went thru a tough time when I had to get off prem-pro and the hot flashes and angry attitude almost got the better of me, but for the anger I sang my little dittie and for the hot flashes I took every soy pill or natural hormone replacement I could find and drank soy milk by the gallon (and gained 20 lbs). The hot flashes are still there, but they don't make me rip my clothes off anymore. (I would literally go into my room and undress under the ceiling fan)

I tell myself and R often how good we have it. We're not rich, but we don't want for anything (which makes it hard at Christmas to think of things the other needs and hasn't already gone out and gotten).

Maybe you could ask yourself when frustraited with mom... IF SHE WEREN'T HERE, WHAT WOULD I BE DOING RIGHT NOW? and then go do it.

I'll send more freedom notes as I remember them. I don't need to consciously think about it anymore. This Christmas was nice, but I very rarely even remembered she was there. I tried to watch the Dean Martin tapes with her, but she turned into a bitch. I tried to give her a compliment at dinner about all the great food she had cooked for us in the past...she just smirked and didn't bother to look at me. Most of the time I just don't think of her at all (a difficult task for you I know). When I think of things to cook for you, it's like you're out there alone. I know she's there with you, but it's like she's a neighbor I knew once.

Oh well, more later,
Love S
Let me know when you've read this & I'll call and sing to you :~))))


Thank you for this. I'm going to print it out and read it every night. Sounds like you've really done some hard thinking and making some life changes. I wish you were here so we could talk face to face. I love the game you play with R. Sounds like you all are best friends. I wish I had someone like that. No expections whatsoever, just best friends. I know you are that to me but we are not in the same place.

### this am. No bm yesterday. I had the following to eat:

bkfst 1 piece toast & orange
snack banana
lunch whole pbj sandwich
dinner your steak pinwheels, ff mashed pot and asparagus w butter buds drizzled over
snack yogurt & little coolwhip

I worked in the yard and didn't eat as often as I usually do. Am I going to have to get a watch with an alarm? The PBJ was too much - - should have been just a 1/2.
This is very disappointing. I did drink 7 waters.
I'll talk to you more later.
Signing off now.
Love, B


Oh, I've forgotten to tell hyou.
Last night was the rest of the curry sauce on rice. Good. I added shrimp.
Night before was the beef pinwheels. I ate one but left the spinach. You know I don't like cooked green leafy stuff. beef was good. Very tender. I didn't do the tomatoes I added beef bullion and an envelope of onion soup. Very good. I'm going to freeze the leftover broth for soup or gravy or something.
Tonight I'll have the meatloaf.
Love, B